Talking
by Saotome Jin
Summary: Otaru wants to talk, nothing more. Too bad for him, something else ends up happening. [ Slightly slashy. OOC!Otaru like woah. ]


_A/N: Yet another sappy-weird piece brought to you by me. To be completely honest, I have not seen the entire **Saber Marionette J** series, nor have I seen most of the other **Saber Marionette** series. So, yeah. If this sounds weird, that's why. And I love Hanagata. _

* * *

I felt like talking.   
That's all.   
I just wanted someone to talk to. Nothing more.   
But how did a simple action, a simple, short action...   
end up leading to this?

I don't love him. I can't love him. It would just be too awkward. He's my friend, you know?   
And he gets on my nerves all the damn time. I know he means well, but sometimes he should just shut his damn mouth. It would save him so much pain and suffering.

Every time he tells me how he feels about me and the Marionettes, I can feel a part of me lamenting. I know he's goofy and annoying, but I kind of feel bad for him.   
No... Not 'kind of.'   
Do.   
I do feel bad for him.   
Because I know I can't return those feelings he has for me and I know I can't accept how he feels about the Marionettes. I just can't. I'd not only be lying to myself, but I'd be lying to the girls. And most of all, I'd be lying to him. And I don't think I could handle being caught in that lie.

But.. I just wanted to talk.   
It was simple as that.

The girls were off doing whatever. It's funny. I had been living alone most of my life but the minute the Marionettes came into my life, I learned what it was like to have people there for you. And even the shortest increment of time apart from them makes me feel so lonely. Empty.   
I came to hate the house being so quiet.

So, I wanted to talk.   
He was right next door.   
It seemed like a no-brainer. Even if I had a gut-feeling I'd regret speaking to him.

I was leaning right outside of the hole Lime had made which connected our houses together. My eyes were closed as I spoke out to the air, half-expecting no one to respond.   
"... Hanagata, you there?"   
There was silence. For a moment, my expectations were thought to have been correct. But then, there was a slight shuffling. The sound of his light footsteps and sudden pressure against the wall opposite of which I leaned against.   
Odd, I had thought. Usually, he would have broken through a brick wall for the chance to speak to me alone. But, not now. He was quiet. I almost thought I was hallucinating, so I called out again.   
"..Hanagata?"   
"...Hai, Otaru-kun?"   
Ah, so he was there. I opened an eye. I could hear him breathing. He always breathed a certain way. Small, quick breaths. Almost as if here was hyperventilating. Though when I thought about it, it wasn't that surprising, considering how excited he got around me. I figured that around anyone else, he would breathe as a normal person would. One of these days, he was going to faint.   
Oh, wait. Scratch that.

I cleared my throat a little. I was never too good at starting a conversation. Especially with him. I never really knew what to talk about. At least, when it came to things that would make us happy. I already knew what would make him happy. And it was something I wasn't too keen on speaking of. So, I opted for the generic.   
"...How have you been doing, Hanagata?"

This question seemed to catch him off guard. How I knew that without looking at him was this: he gasped a little. It wasn't something obnoxious. Not like he was completely shocked or anything. It was just like his breath caught in his throat.   
It was cute.   
But I was not embarrassed for having thought that. My thoughts were private, therefore, I had no reason to feel ashamed for any one thought.

In any case, he hesitated to answer. This annoyed me a little. I began to wonder if he thought I was insensitive. But then,   
"...F-Fine, Otaru-kun.." Almost as if he was afraid. I felt my face contort in annoyance.

"What's the matter with you?" I spat out. Perhaps too harshly. It was a habit of mine when dealing with him. I often lost my temper quicker than I would with anyone else. I don't really know why.

He was quiet again. I was really getting frustrated. Then,   
"...Nothing. I just.. I ..." he stuttered. I could have sworn that I smiled just a little. But what he told me next threw me a bit.   
"I didn't think you even cared about me anymore."

Now it was my turn to show my surprise. I felt my body become rigid against the thin wall, my fist tightening a little. I wondered why I reacted like that. But, whatever the reason was, it apparently was not one my subconscious took too seriously for long. I relaxed, daring to chuckle a bit.   
"Why would you think something like that?" Condescendingly. No wonder I was so horrible at conversations. I was an ass.

He sighed. "...Because you always tell me how much you.." He didn't finish the rest. Frankly, I don't blame him much. I already knew what he was going to say. I shook my head, knocking the thought from its place in my mind.

There was silence. I honestly didn't know how to react to that. After all, it was true. Wasn't it?

Neither of us spoke for a while. I don't really know how long. But I do know that during that time of silence, I slipped through the hole in the wall over to his apartment.

He looked at me. It was dark, yet he seemed to have a strange luminance. It must have been because of how... light he was. Everything about him was light. His hair was blonde, his eyes were bright blue and his skin was pale. The moonlight seemed to accentuate these things, giving him a pure look. Unearthly.

I wanted to touch him.

However, I managed to shake this desire. Keep it at bay by breaking the silence.   
"Hanagata. I don't.." Yet even the thought I longed to complete could not prevent my hand from resting upon a white cheek.

I noticed how my own dark, sunbeaten skin contrasted his own. Just by our skin alone, you could tell our status in the world. He was raised a rich little boy. Probably never had to go outside for anything. And me. I lived on the outside. Working in the sun.

It was then I realized how different we were. And again I wondered. How could he love me?   
My fingers idly stroked his cheek. I was mesmerized.

Yet, I had failed to recognize Hanagata's reaction to my bold stunt. My eyes refocused. He was sitting there, rigid. Unmoving. In the moonlight, I could just barely make out the darkening of his face. He stared at me, hands clenching onto his pajamas nervously.

What was I doing, anyway? Maybe I was trying to reassure him. Or rather, I was trying to reaffirm my suspicions.

Did I really hold so much power over him? I was curious. But, as I studied him, I noted how nervous he was becoming. His breath was hitching in his throat and his face was warming up. My mind was running through all the options I had at that moment in time. And of course, I would pick the first one that staying in my thoughts for more than five seconds.

I kissed him.

How embarrassing.   
It wasn't a cute little peck or anything, either. It was a full-blown kiss. His lips felt so soft against mine. Like velvet. And he tasted like strawberries for some reason. I wanted more.   
I barely remember how the hell that ended up happening, but I do remember feeling hands on my chest.

First, they gripped onto my thin, white shirt, pulling their lithe owner closer to my body. It felt nice. Almost as if I ...

No.

I blocked that feeling out, even though it was mighty hard to do amidst all the action that was taking place. But soon, it didn't even feel like a kiss. It just felt like a melding of two beings, two entities. It felt nice.

But then, those same hands which had longed for closeness started to strive for the opposite. Open palms found themselves pressed flatly against my chest and soon, heaved as much force as they could. Coming from Hanagata, that wasn't a lot. But it was enough to separate our lips.

His voice felt like ice, "...O-Otaru..."

I couldn't help what I did. I really tried, but I couldn't help it.   
I held onto him.   
I don't know why I did it. But, I did.

I pined for words. Correct words. But what was considered correct in situations as awkward as these? I didn't know.

"...I.."

He was pushing against me. He wanted to get away. He wanted to hide. I had a feeling. It was all he did, since everyone was so mean to him. But, he brought it on himself. Why should anyone feel sorry for him?

Why did I?

"Otaru-kun.. please.. just.." His hands finally stopped moving. Instead, he opted to rest his head against my shoulder, sending a tuft of that blonde hair against my face. It smelled nice. I heard him sniffle. .. Tears? Had I caused him to cry?

I wanted to say something of value to him. During that moment of clarity and closeness, I wanted him to never doubt how I felt again. I never wanted him to assume I hated him. But, at the same time, I didn't want him thinking, as cruel as it sounds, that he had a chance with me.

But, if that were the case, I wouldn't have kissed him, would I?

".....Hanagata.. I'm sorry."

I expected him to do something flamboyant. I wanted him to do something flamboyant. I wanted him to act like he normally did. But, he didn't.

"Otaru-kun. You... you can't be sorry. You just can't.."   
That response left me more confused than I have ever been in my entire life.

I questioned his response. "Why not?" apparently, in the time that it took for me to say that, my fingers had found their way up towards his blonde hair. I was petting him, god damnit.

"...Because. If you're sorry, that means you regret doing something...and I don't want you to..." He sighed, frustrated. Most likely confused as well.   
"I don't want to think that you just.." a pause. "That you ... did that." in reference to my kiss, I assume. "just to make me happy. I want to think that you... that you liked it, too.."

He was assuming a hell of a lot. I didn't kiss him just to make him feel better.

I kissed him because I was curious.

And possibly mildly retarded.

Well, my curiosity had been fulfilled, hadn't it? Why was I still sitting there? Why was I holding him? And why did my face feel so damn hot?

I didn't love him. I couldn't love him.

But, hell. All I wanted to do was talk.


End file.
